Today I learned about kindness.
I “attended” a funeral of a woman who lived a meaningful and productive life.
In the eulogies, the children and grandchildren did not focus on the “great” accomplishments of the matriarch of their family. Rather they remembered through laughter and tears the delicious meals she made for them. They recalled with happiness the wonderful conversations they shared with her and the pride she took in their accomplishments. They recalled her sense of humor and the love she showered upon them.
This woman’s life may have ended on this physical realm, but she has left an eternal legacy of love and caring which will live on eternally in her family.
This called to mind a statement I heard many times from
Rebbitzen Zahava Braunstein, a noted Jewish educator who taught and influenced thousands of women.
She would ask us to imagine if a woman passed away and was going to her eternal rest and then was given a momentary reprieve, the opportunity to do one more act in this world, what would that woman choose to do?
Would it be to run to the office and close one last deal?
Or, as she would say, would it be to cook one last pot of hearty soup that would feed her family physically and nourish them emotionally as the aroma and texture of the soup created with love and feeling would linger long after she had gone.
What actions do we do that make eternal impact?
In this weeks Torah portion which is called Devarim, which means words, Moses shares many words with his Nation. And while these are words of rebuke, Moses is careful in his delivery so that the eternal impact will be a loving one, one that will make a difference and not leave a sting.
Moses reviews the list of misdeeds the Jewish people committed in their 40 year desert sojourn.
But as Rashi, the super commentary notices, Moses only mentions the PLACES where these infractions took place, he does not emphasize the actual sin.
By alluding to these issues in a round about way, Moses preserves the dignity of his people and affords them a level of respect and love.
It is a common tendency to harp on another’s infractions. Sometimes we may feel that by repeating them over and over we will make an impact.
Unfortunately the opposite is usually true.
The droning voice of rebuke turns into the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher, a garbled static which communicates nothing and leaves no lasting message.
It is only when we treat each other with love and respect that we can hope our words will impact and not fall on deaf ears.
How we treat each other really matters.
Chani Weinroth was a young wife and mother when she was diagnosed with cancer and given only 6 months to live. Instead Chani persevered for 8 years during which time she wrote and spoke extensively about dealing with life’s challenges, and became a beacon of light and inspiration to many.
She was recently quoted by Rabbanit Yemima Mizrachi who was addressing a gathering of Israeli victims of terror.
These are Chani’s words that she shared:
“I discovered a phenomenon that amazed me. Whenever someone shares with me a story of Job-like personal suffering, during most of the conversation they speak only about how they have been treated by the people around them. People might say: 'The doctor is so insensitive, I blow up at him over how he relates to me,' or 'I don't believe how helpful and devoted my husband has been during this difficult time,' or 'Even now that I am sick, my mother-in-law still does not call.'
Someone tells you that their entire life is crumbling and in the same breath emphasizes how others have responded to their plight, hopefully through loyalty, friendship, and empathy. Is this an escape from reality? Absolutely not. In their suffering, this is what mainly interests people. Even in the book of Job, we can see the importance of the protagonist's friends. Most people, immediately after the sky falls on them, will define what has happened to them, more or less, in terms of the behavior of those who are in the room with them at that moment.
Moses understood this.
As he was preparing for his demise and leaving his last words, which included a rebuke of Jewish people, he understood that these words would only impact and create a legacy, if they were delivered with love and respect.
How he said it was even more important than what he said.
Chani Weinroth expands on this concept by teaching us that the way we interact with people in their time of need, totally colors their experience.
And the woman whose funeral I attended today, understood it best. She lived that life of loving interaction and therefore left an eternal legacy because her children remembered her kindness and love above all else.
As we approach The Ninth of Av and it’s catastrophic repercussions, we can see how our actions and kindnesses can build, repair and correct.
In the words of Sivan Rahav Meir
“Human relationships can save your life.”
It is only through kindness that we can build each other and bring about a world of peace and serenity.
May we merit to see the rebuilding of Temple in Jerusalem speedily in our days!
Shabbat Shalom and so much love!
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