A few days ago I was about to walk into a store in my neighborhood and I saw a dear friend. We exchanged warm hellos and then I was about to continue into the store when she said she wanted to talk to me about something. 

She then proceeded to tell me that I had thoughtlessly done something very hurtful to her. She then explained in detail what had happened. 

After she finished I was in a state of shock. 

So many thoughts tumbled through my mind. 

My first reaction was to be defensive, how could she think I would do such a thing?

I thought of many ways to explain it all away. 

Then I took a deep breath and a huge gulp, and I simply apologized. I explained that I had never intended to hurt her. 

I listened carefully as she explained her position and I understood where I had indeed erred. 

Then, I took the opportunity to thank her from the bottom of my heart for being willing to be so open, vulnerable and brave with me so that I could repair a fissure that I had created. 

In these days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur we have the chance to make amends. 

It is a time for reconciliation between ourselves and the people in our orbit, and between ourselves and Gd. 

But reconciling often requires making an apology for committing a wrong. 

But apologizing (unlike Breaking Up) is hard to do. 

Why is it so hard?

Rabbi David Fohrman teaches a magnificent lesson. 

He quotes Maimonides who says an apology should be a simple formula. 

I have wronged you. 

Sounds straightforward and easy enough. 

But if we are honest it’s still really hard, and it seems the more important the relationship the harder it is to apologize. 

Rabbi Fohrman tells a story of his own. When he was a child his grandfather gifted him with a penknife. It was quite a ceremony. And a few days later, much to his horror he somehow lost the knife. And he never was able to face his grandfather, he never told him the truth. 

When he analyzed why he could never apologize and face his grandfather, he realized he felt a great fear, a fear that he would lose his grandfather’s love, that the relationship couldn’t survive the admission of truth, that he could never win back his grandfather’s admiration. 

One of the key parts of the liturgy for the Tashlich ceremony 

(you can still join Jwcatlanta at a Tashlich event tomorrow, Friday, or on Sunday. Check the website at Jwcatlanta.org for times and locations!) 

and then throughout  the final prayer of Yom Kippur we recite the 13 Attributes of Gd. 

These attributes are listed as follows, they begin with Gd’s name listed twice. This is the name of Gd that indicates that Gd is the Creator, our Parent so to speak, in Heaven. 

Then we learn that Gd is merciful, gracious, slow to anger and full of kindness. 

These are all attributes we want to lean on as we approach Gd at this time to request forgiveness. 

But we know that every word is important and the fact that this list begins with the same name repeated, begs the question. 

The Talmud comments on this doubling of Gd’s name and explains that it’s written twice to indicate that the Heavenly Parent that existed before you sinned is the same Heavenly Parent that exists after the sin too. 

Gd loves us even after we sin, and the relationship can be repaired and become stronger after we apologize. 

The 13 Attributes takes away the fear we have about exposing the “real” me. How can Gd ever love me again?

If a child crashes the family car and contritely approaches the parent expressing remorse and taking responsibility how does the parent feel?

An immense sense of pride in their child’s maturity and desire to own up. 

We are Gd’s children, and we are so beloved, before the sin and after the sin. And, if we can ‘fess up and take responsibility our Parent in Heaven will be even more proud. 

That apology, in turn, will allow us to feel good about ourselves as we were able to take responsibility for our actions and set things right. 

In these powerful days, let’s apologize when we need too, even if we meant no harm, 

let’s forgive whenever possible because we can try to believe that the person really meant no harm to us, 

and by granting one another forgiveness, may we in turn receive the forgiveness and the blessing of a healthy happy New Year that we pray will be our lot. 

In this vein, I truly beg forgiveness if I have in any way hurt anyone either by omission or by commission. If there is anything that I can correct I welcome your reaching out to me. 

My friend was willing to be vulnerable and share her hurt, and now our friendship has reached a new plateau, I am forever grateful for her bravery. 

Have an easy and meaningful Yom Kippur, this coming Tuesday evening and Wednesday and

Shabbat Shalom and so much love!