One of our daughter’s has a penchant for asking questions.
Many questions.
From a young age she was the epitome of inquisitiveness.
Every situation was preceded by a barrage of questions.
It was quite charming.
But sometimes it was not.
Early mornings were a blur, but she was on point, needing to know.
Transitional moments, when one needed to have one’s wits about them, were full of distracting comments peppered with - questions.
We always thought she would make an excellent attorney or perhaps an FBI agent.
But the truth is, we encourage inquiry.
The Talmud, the Jewish treasure trove of wisdom, is a compilation of questions and more questions, combined with answers that spark even more debate.
And that is what the Passover Seder is all about.
Asking questions.
Passover is Pesach in Hebrew which is the combination of two words
Peh and Sach
Which means a mouth engaged in conversation.
Questions are powerful because they compel us to reexamine and reevaluate what is before us.
We have the tendency to take a situation for granted.
But when someone interrogates us, we take the opportunity to look deeper and this will allow us to probe and understand the facts in a more profound way.
At the Seder we do actions just so the children will ask us why we did that particular thing. For example, we dip a vegetable in salt water.
Hopefully someone will pipe up and ask “why on earth do we do that?”
The unusual actions provoke questions which are a vehicle for opening up conversations.
Questions are vital to children.
They must be given the space to know that it’s “ok” to ask.
That provides a sense of security because no question is silly, and no topic taboo.
It is our job to elicit the questions and provide the framework for their delivery.
Answers are not mandatory.
An honest “I don’t know, let’s ask and learn together” will elevate the relationship as the child knows the adult has integrity - that is the most powerful response.
The Hagaddah recounts the conversation of four children, each with a different learning style.
One is wise, one is misguided, one is challenged and one who does not know how to ask.
The Sages wonder why it is necessary to repeat the word “one” before each type?
Would it not be sufficient to just list the categories?
Rabbi Meilech Biderman, a Torah scholar in Israel, explains the deep message embedded in the repetition of the word “one”.
He says this is a message to parents who are trying to communicate with their children. It does not make a difference what gifts or challenges the child may have, if you want to make them feel heard, they must feel that you view them as ONE, the only one that is important to you at the moment.
When a child feels that love and undivided attention, then communication and understanding will prevail.
The last category listed is the child who, for whatever reason, cannot express the question.
The author of the Haggadah gives an instruction in that particular case.
If the child does not have capacity to ask, or does not feel safe in the asking, then it is the parent who initiate the conversation and create the space needed to facilitate conversation.
It is interesting that the command to the parent is written in the feminine form which seems to indicate that it is specifically the mother’s opportunity to create that connection and share the wisdom the child needs to begin the conversation. She is the one that fosters the ability for the child to open up and create secure attachment which allow the child healthy exploration and healthy development.
The Seder is time to welcome and embrace the questions and delight in the child who poses them.
The questions, and the meaningful conversations they will evoke, will be the basis of much memorable and spirited debate.
The stuff of great memories.
If you too are the curious type and you wonder about our daughter and her endlessly inquiring mind, we are happy to report that she used all that intellectual curiosity to become a Jewish educator.
And the best of all, she has a daughter who starts and ends her day with a few million questions.
Have a sweet and wonderful Passover