I was scrolling through my feed.
There was an advertisement for a floor polishing product.
The dialogue that proceeded the pitch said something about a mother in law doing her quiet “judgey” thing whenever she looked at her daughter in law’s scratched up floors.
I can’t tell you the name of the product.
I got stuck on the words “quiet judgey thing”.
I am a mother in law.
I am writing my own playbook because I never had the honor of meeting my husband’s mother.
She passed away a few years before my husband and I met.
Over the years I’ve been taking a lot of notes.
The most notorious piece of advice to a mother in law is to zip your lip and unzip your pocketbook.
That sounds so unflattering, but does sport a kernel of truth.
My favorite mother in law saying is my dear friend who calls her daughter in law her daughter in love.
So it seems the in law relationship has many dimensions.
This week’s Torah portion is called Yisro the man who was Moses father in law.
This man was a high ranking religious leader in his hometown of Midian and he comes to visit the Jewish people.
The Torah portion begins with the words “and Yisro heard”.
We’ve spoken before about the grammatical error of beginning a sentence with the word ‘and’.
The commentaries explain the “and” is connecting us to the events that have proceeded Yisro’s arrival.
He came because he heard something that moved him to action.
First lesson of this portion.
If you are inspired by something - do something.
Yisro was a spiritual man. He spent his life investigating the religions of the world. When he heard about the miraculous splitting of the sea, Yisro wanted to hear more.
When he reunites with his son in law Moses tells Yisro about the miracles and salvation the Jewish people have experienced.
Yisro is so moved he says Baruch Hashem, blessed is Gd for bringing about such miracles.
Yisro is actually credited with being the first person to say Baruch Hashem.
We might wonder about that factoid. After all, didn’t Leah our matriarch name her son Yehuda in gratitude to Hashem, Gd, for the miracle of an additional child?
In fact, we the Jewish people are called Yehudim, those who thank.
So how can we attribute Boruch Hashem to Yisro?
From a practical standpoint Yisro is the first one who coined the phrase and his uttering of said words is inscribed in our Portion. Our Sages teach us that Yisro’s utterance was unique in that he was the first to thank Hashem for someone else’s salvation.
This is taking caring to another level.

There was once a woman who was traveling on a bus. She noticed another woman and her young daughter on the other side of the bus. As they proceeded on the route an ambulance, with siren blaring overtook their bus. The woman noticed the little girl opposite her seemed to be mumbling. She inquired as to what the child was saying. The Mom explained that her daughter was saying a prayer for the well being of the person who was being transported by the ambulance. She had been taught in her Jewish school that if someone is in need, even if we don’t know who they are, we can still show support and share in their pain by offering a prayer on their behalf. This interaction so inspired the first woman. She was impressed by an education that would instill such caring of others in a child so young.
Yisro was able to celebrate the salvation of others even though he did not experience it personally. His caring was well developed.
After the long heart to heart talk with his son in law, Yisro takes the time to see the encampment of the Israelites and he is concerned by the impromptu judicial system which has every case needing adjudication being brought to Moses.
Yisro is afraid for Moses.
Not because Yisro is concerned about burnout, but rather he recognizes that it is dangerous for Moses to do this job alone.
Just as Gd didn’t want the first person Adam to be alone so too did Yisro feel that Moses should not manage this process alone.
He recognized the very real challenge of lack of checks and balances.
At his urging, Moses does set up a judicial system with judges being set up in a hierarchical fashion.
Yisro leaves a positive mark on the Jewish people with his well appointed advice which is borne of true concern.
Yisro has come to see this community because after his extensive research on religion he sees this is the true one.
Most religions focus only on the spiritual. Judaism directs us to use the physical to access spirituality. One can only become an elevated transcendent person in the company of a community.
The commandments endure that the daring and concern we have for one another is paramount.
The Torah reports that the Jewish people were encamped at the base of Mt Sinai. The word used to describe their gathering is in the singular despite the millions who had surrounded the mountain.
The commentaries ask, why does it say they encamped in the singular, it should use a plural to reflect the myriads of people?
And the answer is eternal.
Because the people were like one person with one heart.
This is what Yisro saw. This is what so inspired him.
The condition necessary to receiving the Torah is unity.
As if they were one person with one heart.
How does one achieve true transcendence? By looking around and seeing if your neighbor needs help pitching their tent.
By truly caring for one another.
The Torah governs the minutiae of every day life with a goal of living said life in a transcendent manner.
Yisro was an in law who came seeking truth. Because he too was focusing on spiritual growth he was able to share his insights and uplift the interactions of the people in a significant manner.
“People don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care”.
Recently my husband shared with me that he had some very meaningful conversations with my Father zl as they walked to and from synagogue over the years. When he reflected back on those discussions he noticed a motif that appeared. My Father had a concern for others. He often discussed how people shared their challenges with him and the strategies he offered them to help alleviate their condition. My husband realized that my Dad rarely spoke of himself, instead his attention was focused outward.
Being an in law is a tricky job.
We can be the source of much love and wisdom.
I’m working on that.
I certainly don’t want to be identified by some kind of “quiet judgey thing I do”.
It’s a work in progress.
Focusing on each other and lifting one another up will solve a great deal.
If we are unified at the base of whatever mountain we find ourselves, no one will notice the scratches on our floors.
Shabbat Shalom and so much love!